Yes, I'm sure some people make great straw men... I just see people saying it's abusive to wipe people's phones as punishment for trying to read their email, which you seem to have left off your list. The person I actually see here with "crazy ideas about what is abusive" is you, when you claimed that there was no such thing as an abusive policy (so long as it's clearly stated).
BTW, as another commenter noted, requiring unpaid labor is often illegal, and in many contexts requiring female employees to wear revealing uniforms is too. (In the US, Hooters and strip clubs etc. can get away with it because it's part of the service provided, but try, say, imposing those same requirements on non-customer-facing employees and see what the courts say...)