Challenges to privilege will just about always feel like an attack, no matter how nicely they are worded. That's one of the tricky ways it works. http://derailingfordummies.com talks a bunch about this.
Couple that with how exhausting it is to have 101-level discussions (like this one!) over and over and over and over and over again, and it's a wonder we aren't any testier than we are :)
I don't think it's a gendered fault in communication. I just think that you need to read more beginner texts. You're expecting, to pick on the metaphor used elsewhere in this thread, to be able to hack kernel code without knowing the basics of C, and acting miffed when we get frustrated - if that makes it a bit clearer.